Monday, March 31, 2008

My New Bible

I've had a wonder idea. I'm going to be writing a new bible. It was my last post that gave me the idea. So this is going to be a series of posts where I'm going to quote from my own scripture. I've got to follow a couple rules though now don't I?

1. Every passage has to teach a lesson about why you should follow God and obey his commands. This is imperative because afterall, it IS a bible.

2. It has to be as gruesome and inappropriate for not only the public, but also for the public at large as the bible. I'm not sure if I can match the repulsiveness of the real bible, but I'll give it a shot.

Now I need to name my new bible. I'm not sure what I should call it. Maybe just like the Lost Surfer Jesus scrolls or something. What do you guys think?

Anyway, here's another verse quoted directly from the bible of Surfer Jesus. This has always been one of my favorites.

SJ Genesis 3:16

To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
And during pregnancy I will make you fat and undesirable to your husband.
And your anus will swell with hemorrhoids that crack and bleed until you
scream in pain.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.
And I shall put great priests to preside over the land and teach you my ways.
And they will have of your sons as they please. My priests will lay with your sons as men lay with women until their anuses ooze with the seed of one hundred nights of passion. The law of the land will be given to Satan and he shall make it against this law for my priests to desire the supple rounded flesh of your children with their soft, milky skin glistening in the alter light... those sweet, tight little a... oh... ummm.... But my church will protect the priests from these unholy laws for I have chosen this to be the way in which man shall redeem himself from your sin by eating the fruit."

This passage clearly shows a direct result for disobeying God. And if any of you ever doubt God's word, there is still plenty of proof of this around today. God commanded it, so shall it be done.


Faithinate said...

You are SO gross.

Hah..."it's not gross if it't true..."

atheist girl said...

i really enjoyed reading your post. but it also makes me realize how stupid the bible is...well stupid is the wrong word. it is like when you teach kids use their imaginations as ask them why they thing something is the way it is and the make up a story. but the first imagination users wrote it down and it stuck.