On the Mountain with Moses: Pocket Pussy

I was in the shower this morning and was inspired to write a new episode.  It’s best if you don’t ask too many questions about that.

So here we join god and moses on the mountain to find out what the hell took them so long up there when they were writing the 10 Commandments.

If you wanna check out the first episode you can find it here.

 

G:  Moses, what are you doing over there.  Are you making an idol?

M:  Oh, nothing much.  I’m just whittling something.  And no it’s not an idol.

G:  So what is it then?  You’ve gathered wood, cowhide, thread, and it looks like you’re making some kind of slippery gel.

M:  Just a little something to keep me busy during the times we’re not talking.

G:  Anyway, I’d like to talk to you more about pleasuring yourself.

M:  Ok, I get it.  You don’t want me touching my dick except to take a piss.

G:  What have I told you about that kind of language?  And you’re not restricted to only touching yourself when you pee.  You’re allowed to guide it into your wife when it’s too dark to see.

M:  Hey, is that why you gave us so many fingers?  So we could put one in her ass while you’re holding your dick to make sure it goes in her pussy?

G:  Look, I can tell you’re just trying to get a rise out of me so stop it.

M:  Ok, so what else you got?  What about “PLEASURING YOURSELF” (said in a mocking ominous voice)?

G:  Oh, real mature.  I don’t sound like that.

M:  Yes you do.  You’re always like (said in same mocking tone) “Moses don’t touch your weewee!” and “Moses that isn’t your sheep!”  You sound exactly like that.

G:  I do not.  And I’ve never said weewee.  Look, I’m just trying to make you understand that you’re allowed to touch your… manhood… just not in a way that’s meant to take the place of your wife.

M:  I get it.  And I promise, I won’t touch my dick in any way that is meant to be pleasurable.  Is that all?

G:  Yes that’s all.  And that’s all I ask.

M:  Do you want me to get another stone tablet and add it to the list?

G:  No that won’t be necessary.  I’ll be giving you a book with a bunch more things in it.  I’ll put it in there.

M:  A whole book, really?  Do you really think that’s necessary?

G:  Yes.  These commandments I’ve given you are just the biggies. 

M:  So when do I get to see this book?

G:  Well, I’m commissioning some writers right now.  As soon as I decide who it’s going to be I’ll get a copy to you.  But I warn you, it may be quite a while before it’s ready.

M:  So why even bother with these commandments then?

G:  Because I needed to have a quick list of things for you to use to guide your lives while I get the book ready.

M:  Hey god, check this out.  I finally finished that thing I was working on.

G:  What is that thing?  It looks like some kind of tube that you’ve glued goat hair to and stretched cowhide inside.  What the hell is that thing?

M:  You said I couldn’t touch myself for pleasure right?

G:  (looking cautiously)… yeah…

M:  Well, this way I can get pleasure without touching myself.

G:  I don’t see how you could possibly get anything out of that.

M:  Well, you take the gel I made out of yak fat and you spread it all over the inside, and around the opening of the hole.  Now I just slip it on my dick and rub it up and down.

G:  Oh that’s just gross!  Get that thing off of you.  I can’t believe you’d put your cock inside a dead animal.

M:  (Moses laughs) You said cock!

G:  Oh shut up this is serious.  You can’t pleasure yourself like that.  I thought we settled that.

M:  We did settle it.  You said I couldn’t touch myself like that, but I’m not touching myself.  See, I can even prop it up between 2 rocks and do it on my stomach.  See!!

G:  Oh Jesus Christ! [Jesus comes running up.]

J:  Yeah dad?

G:  Nothing Jesus.  I was just talking to Moses about something.

J:  What the hell is he doing on the ground?

G:  Nothing important.  Look I didn’t mean to call you.  You may go.

J:  You were just taking my name in vain again weren’t you?

G:  Look, I slipped.  It won’t happen again.

J:  How would you like it if I took your name in vain?  Maybe next time I’m with my friends I’ll just be like Goddammit this and Goddammit that.  See how you like it.

G:  What?  Where did you hear that word?

J:  Moses taught me.

G:  Moses?!?

M:  Yes Lord?

G:  Oh, so now it’s Lord is it?

J:  Listen dad, while I’ve got you can I have the keys to the pearly gates?  Some friends and I wanna throw Peter a small party and we need to set some things up. 

G:  No you can’t.  You always get into trouble when you go over there.

J:  Please daddy!!  I promise I won’t do anything wrong.  I’ll just be setting up for the party.

M:  Why don’t you give him the keys?  What could happen?

G:  Oh you just go fuck your dead animal thing.  What the hell do you call that thing anyway?

M:  I’m not sure yet.  Right now I’m looking at either The Willing Goat, or The Silent Wife.

J:  Wow, did you fuck that thing?  That’s cool.  Could I get one of those?

M:  Sure, how many do you need?  Boy, I guess these things could really catch on.

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On the Mountain with Moses: Monkeys aren't for spanking

So we went on a trip to Santa Monica last week and I got to thinking on the plane and for some reason it hit me... I wonder why Moses was on the mountain so long. What went on up there? So I've decided to put together a small series that outlines a few of the possibilities.

That's the setup... So in this episode let's see what god and moses might have been talking about.

M: I need to ask you a question about one of the commandments.
G: Go ahead my son.
M: I have a problem with 'Do not covet they neighbor's wife'.
G: What is your problem?
M: I really don't see what the problem is with just thinking about being with somebody.
G: That's your neighbor's wife and you're not supposed to think of her in that way. It's disrespectful.
M: But I just don't see what harm it does. I mean, if I don't tell anybody about it, what would make it so bad? I mean, my neighbor's wife is hot so why can't I picture her on top of me every now and then.
G: Moses, you're not supposed to think about things like that. You are to dedicate yourself body and soul to the mate you have chosen. You are to be faithful in every way possible.
M: Well, how am I supposed to get any good whack material unless I have a variety of
women to use? I mean, man doesn't live by bread alone.
G: That's something else I've been meaning to talk to you about. You shouldn't be pleasuring yourself.
M: What?!? What do you mean? What's wrong with going on a little yankation every now and then? I can't believe you won't let us spank the monkey.
G: Ok, for starters, stop talking like that. There's more polite language to use when referring to such things. And for another thing, I've told you before that sex is only for procreation. It's better to plant your seed in the belly of a whore than on the ground for the ants to eat.
M: So we can bang hookers, COOL!
G: No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm merely saying that you shouldn't waste your semen by not planting it inside a woman. And I'm telling you again to stop using that kind of language.
M: But why is it so bad to have a little salami massage now and then? My wife isn't all that pretty in the first place and then you made her bleed once a month and when she's pregnant she get's all fat and does nothing but eat. And I'm a lotta man and I gotta get mine. What am I supposed to do, bang her when she's bleeding?

G: Of course not, don't be disgusting, you can't stick your dick in something while it's bleeding... listen to me now you've got me talking like that. During those times you can go work in the fields or plan how you're going to conquer the next town and convert them to my word. But don't massage your monkey... dammit, there I go again... Stop talking like that.

M: So I can't bang my wife while she's on the rag or knocked up, and you don't want me whacking my... I mean, taking care of my own business... so that leaves hookers.

G: No, you still can't bang hookers. You have to remain faithful to the sacred union you've established in my name.

M: OK, but what if I'm doing a hooker and I'm thinking about my wife? Is that ok?
G: No, that's not ok either.
M: What if I'm with a hooker and I think about my hand?
G: This is going to be a long day. No, you can't do that either.
M: what if we're in different zip codes?
G: Now there's an idea.

OK, there's the first installment of On the Mountain with Moses. I hope you enjoyed.