Friday, May 30, 2008

Closer to Home

I don't like SurferJesus' gross-out sex posts. I think they drive away readers (and we don't have much to start with) and are needlessly disgusting. I think they quite possibly pull emphasis away from the issues at hand.

But.

I don't have a problem with him posting like that. I've been trying to figure out WHY.

In tandem, I'm still in the middle of several books, The God Delusion and Why Darwin Matters inclusive, along with scattered texts and blogs on the internetz. I've run across a certain theme in a few places: How should we express our atheism? How do we (or should we) communicate with the other side?

I've had the opinion for some time that there usually isn't *A* right method to social change...not only do you have to come at it from many different angles, but there's no way to prevent people from coming at it that way. With any movement, or group, or idea, there's a spectrum. Some extremists on the conservative side, some extremists on the liberal side, and a whole lotta people everywhere in between. So SJ's a radical atheist - not even THE most extreme (hey, somewhere out there's gotta be an atheist putting together a pipe bomb). And somewhere on the other side are atheists so closeted they might not've even admitted it to themselves yet. Some will be more effective than others at moving the debate forward, but most of it's good for something.

Anyway, that's just what I think.

Noah's Orgy

OK, it has been brought to my attention that it wasn't just Noah, wife, and boys on the ark, but also the boys' wives. So you know I'm gonna have some fun today.

I ran across something in the new bible on this subject that you should look at. It's the story of what happened when they all got off the boat (the original wetbacks).

Now I know the ark actually landed on top of that mountain in Turkey where everyone on board (including the animals) would freeze to death, but let's consider that an inconsistency on par with the old bible and move on.

SJ Noah 42:17

And Noah opened the door and stepped off the ark. He saw the grass was green and invited everyone to follow him.

Immediately his wife went to pick flowers and he grabbed his eldest son, Jon, and said, "Why don't you go keep your mother company... she looks like she could use a cock in her mouth."

To this his son replied, "Yeah, I've been watching her lately, and I couldn't wait for this boat to stop so I could dig into some of that ass. Afterall, we have to repopulate the earth."

"That's right son, we do. Now where did your wife, Ezmerelda get off to? I've been wanting to shoot a wad in her since you brought her home that first time. And I've been praying to god that he'd let me tap that sweet ass; I just didn't know he'd kill off the entire world to do it."

"Yeah dad, she's got a tight little hole, that's for sure. And wait till you see what she does with your balls. You'll go nuts. So is there anything I need to know about mom?"

"Yes there is. She hates it when you double-dip. And she won't suck your dick unless you fuck her in the ass first. She's always been a freak like that. But don't worry... she takes a load better than any other woman I've known. And she can put her legs all the way up behind her head. I shoot so fast when she does that."

SCENE BETWEEN NOAH AND EZMERELDA HAVING SEX:

"Oh Noah, I know I'm only 13 and you're 65, but I've wanted to feel your cock in my ass for 2yrs now."

"Really? Cause I was just gonna say that I used to whack-off to you every day on the boat. Every time I'd see you bending over there to shovel the animal shit off the deck, I wanted to just run over there and lick that sweet, bald pussy till you screamed."

"Yeah, Jon says my titties should be coming in soon and then it's really on."

"Well, I like you just the way you are sweetheart. Now why don't you come over here and wrap those sweet lips around my cock. We've got a lot of time to makeup for."

SCENE BETWEEN JON AND MOM HAVING SEX:

"Oh mom, I've wanted to fuck you since I found out we were going to be the last ones on earth."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to look at you as a little boy and say, one day my baby boy will go through puberty, and then I bet he'll fuck like a pro. I wish I could get me some of that young cock. So I prayed and the Lord made it happen."

"Oh yeah, suck me just like that. Get all that shit off my dick."

"I wuv da taas o ya dig.", she said trying not to spit the cock out.

"OK, turn around and let me slam that ass again. I'm gonna make you squeal."

"I love to feel you inside my ass. But remember, you have to cum in my pussy. We're supposed to be repopulating the earth and we can't waste cum like that."

"Oh mom, I'm only 16. I can cum 10 times a day."

"Yeah, but you've still got to fuck your other brothers' wives today too so pace yourself."

"Tell you what, I'll jizz in your asshole, and then you can suck it all off my cock. Then I'll go take care of the other 2 girls, and come back this evening and finish you off the right way. How's that?"

"Oh, that would be great. I've actually got your little brother cumming inside me in a couple hours so that'll work out just fine. He's only 13 though, so I suspect he'll be pretty quick. But momma will teach him right, and before you know it he'll be slamming me in the shitter as hard as you."

So according to the new bible, that's how the earth got repopulated. It's not quite as glamorous as the bible makes out, but it sure is hot. All that incest action. Gotta love the xtians.

Worst Boyfriend EVAR, or DTMFA

Sweetie, I've been wanting to say this for a long time. That man is NO good for you. Hear me out now, okay?

First off, he's never there for you. You put so much into your relationship...you call him every day, you go to HIS house every few days and holidays, you do all the driving and all the talking...hell, you're constantly giving him money for his bills! He never does a thing for you, and never even says thank you.

And where was he when your mother was sick? You called and called, but he never answered. The bastard didn't even send a card, then he had the gall to take credit for the people who DID come by to help you out. "Oh I TOTALLY sent Marcy to help you out." Bullshit.

Sure, he's attractive, he plays the good host, and he has lots of friends. But really, who needs those kinds of friends? The only thing you have in common with most of those people is that you know the same guy. The same know-it-all, jealous, demanding, obnoxious guy. Have you actually LISTENED to the things he says? The stories he tells? He's a fucking bigot! And violent too. He and his gang used to beat up on gay guys and women, you know that? How can you possibly devote yourself to a guy like that?

If all that isn't enough, he's a total liar and scam artist, too. I hear all kinds of things about how he makes his money. It's bad stuff, baby.

Sure, everybody says "Oh he's changed, he's a really nice guy now". But he's the one that always says he's the same. He's proud of the way he's always done things. Not to mention, you can just listen to what he says, and it's the same stuff. Still jealous, a liar, a homophobe, a racist, sexist as hell, and LOUSY father. He's utterly worthless; he promises all kinds of things, then does nothing. He takes the credit for the things YOU do, and calls you ten shades of a loser. You don't deserve that.

I know you don't like to hear all this about the guy you're dedicating your life to, honey. But I also know YOU know it's true. Read anything ever written about him, anything HE ever wrote. Talk to anyone, even the people who like him, and you get the exact same stories. Just think about it this way: would you want YOUR daughter with this guy, seriously? No, of course not. So you shouldn't be with God either.

I'm here for you if you want to talk. Peace.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Stupid Shit People Tell Their Kids

So Tadpole says to us, "I know you'll think this is stupid, but my Mom says God protects us from choking ourselves by making us pass out."

I don't need to go into this actual argument, but it reminds me forcibly of almost every Christian I've ever met, both in the sense of "holy shit, WHY do people tell their kids such stupid things?" And, in the more general sense that religion really seems to allow people to use the grab bag approach to life: anything I get my hands on is fair game, anything I say must be true.

Dawkins and Michael Shermer (and many others I'm sure) comment on this in their books. Religion not only approves of but encourages and REQUIRES its members to believe in arbitrary, unproveable ideas. They not only believe whatever was voted into a certain set of books a few hundred years ago, and what their "experts" tell them, but whatever enters their minds too.

And people wonder why I'm so venemous about religion.

Noah's Super Sex Blowout

OK, I know I've been gone for a while, but sometimes life steps in and I don't have time to be a smartass on the internet. But I'm back for a while...

Today I wanna talk about this whole Noah's ark thing. Bot is that a piece of shit with more problems than you can count. OK, you could probably count them, but still.

So rather than go into some prolix discussion I'm just going to start with the points that make Noah's ark just impossible.

1. Either evolution happened or it didn't. If you expect us to believe that Noah took 2 of all kinds of animals on his boat then you're stupid. For all the animals that exist today to be here he would have had to take 2 of every single type of elephant, cat, insect, bacteria, etc. And we know that just didn't happen. There's no way that animals from all over the globe came to sit on his boat. There's no way he could've gotten all the animals in his area. OK, so there's that, but where does evolution come in then? Well, I'm glad you asked. If Noah didn't take every single type of insect, then where did they all come from today? If animals don't evolve then that means that he had to preserve them on the ark, right? So where did they come from then? Did god create a new set of animals after the flood was over?

2. Speaking of animals, how did they all get fed? On the boat is easy. Noah took enough food for every animal in the world on the boat (fucking whatever). But what about after the flood? Foxes eat rabbits. Once a single fox ate a single rabbit, what then? How did rabbits continue? What about all the other meat-eaters in the world? What did they eat because there were only 2 of everything so lions couldn't have eaten much, and I seriously doubt a lion can go generations w/o eating an antelope. It just doesn't add up. There's no ecosystem that can sustain all that life. And then they all have to find their way back to where they came from. So lions have to walk all the way to Africa (from the Turkish mountains where the ark is supposed to have landed) without a spec of food because they were all on the ark with him. And whatever zebra happens to be trying to get back to Africa too is only going to get eaten by the cats and hyenas making the same trip and zebras wouldn't be around today. It's just impossible.

3. And of course, let's not forget about Noah, his wife, and 3 sons. So the gangbang that his wife had trying to repopulate the world is just impressive. Each son had to take several turns to ensure she got pregnant. And I'm assuming each one of them had to get her pregnant more than once. OK, so getting past how gross that is, and how genetics can't support that kind of inbreeding, there's another problem. A single woman can't repopulate the earth. It's a pretty common known fact in science that 1 woman and 100 men is not a recipe for population. However, 100 women and 1 man will have much better odds. A man can give seen well into old age, but a woman stops early. And a man can conceive a child 3X a day for the rest of his life. A woman can do it once a year for half her life at most. So it's just not a recipe for success. And that's not to mention that Noah now has to bang his grandaughters and each of his sons has to take a few turns as well. Man talk about girls gone wild, it was just a little bluegrass sex party over there.

My mother is one of those who believes that story as it's written and it's just fucking ridiculous. I ask her these questions and she says, you just have to have faith. Jesus fucking christ... xtians really have just turned off their brains haven't they?

I was going to write a new bible verse about this, but I'm out of time. Perhaps I'll do it tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Friendly Blog

I really liked this blog on Biblical Literalism and IQ from the Friendly Atheist. Please to enjoy.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Disproving Omniscience

God's kind of a liar, as it turns out:

17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
And the serpent is the truth teller:
Gen3:2And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

3But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

5For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

6And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
So after that, Adam and Eve were ashamed of being naked, and then instead of owning up to rational thinking they blamestormed on the serpent. And God punished the shit out of them - hard work, hard childbirth, subjugated Eve. And he got petty, or jealous, or something
Gen3:22And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

23Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.


We just watched Evan Almighty, which was pretty good. I kind of like Morgan Freeman as God. But it got me thinking about Noah again, so I started reading.
Gen 6:6 and 7 - 6And the Lord regretted that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved at heart.

7So the Lord said, I will destroy, blot out, and wipe away mankind, whom I have created from the face of the ground--not only man, [but] the beasts and the creeping things and the birds of the air--for it grieves Me and makes Me regretful that I have made them.
To regret, as in to be sorry for. To be sorry for something you've done, to regret it, means that it was wrong, a mistake. God felt that He had made a mistake? Genesis 6:6 completely eradicates the idea of an omniscient God.

Wow, that was easy.


Same things, NIV:
6 The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.

7 So the LORD said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth—men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air—for I am grieved that I have made them."
And King James:
6And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

7And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Kids say the goddamdest things...

Understand, first off, that our kid isn't crude in her language. So, SJ showed Tadpole a piece of Richard Dawkins' lecture at the 2007 AAI Conference, and was talking about how religion stifles curiosity. They were going through different things on how Christians think, like Why do sheepdogs look like that? God... And SJ says, "Why do we die?" She says, "Because you pissed God off."

Ha...our girl...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

How do you LIVE like that? Or, The Lord makes good toast

This morning the Lord woke me around 7am and made me breakfast. Divine providence led me to choose the yellow shirt with my jean shorts, and I praised Him and His style sense. I thank God for providing the full gas tank that allowed me to get to the mall, and the roads He provided for me to drive upon, not to mention the excellent car He created for me out of the bounty of the Earth.

My Savior tested my faith severaly in the parking lot, and I had to show much patience before He provided a parking space and guided me to the door of Macy's. But then I saw that He had wrought a 20% off sale as a blessing of my righteous life and works! Hallelujia! When I had browsed the plentiful offerings of clothing He saw fit to bring into being, the Lord our Father called me to the food court. But the Lord works in mysterious ways, and I wept upon seeing the A&W stand closed for good by the work of Satan. God punished the Pines Mall for the sin of homosexuality; I'd warned them that He would. I cast off despair and rejoiced: a heavenly chorus heralded a new Starbucks downstairs from the multiplex! Praise God!

I knelt there in prayer for a goodly time, and lo, the Holy Spirit moved me to order a venti soy orange mocha frappachino, and I saw that it was good. And I prayed, "Lord, I ask that You bless this frappachino and make it a nourishment to my body, which is Your temple. I ask this in Jesus' name, amen."

Needless to say, the Heavenly Father guided me home safely again. I must remember in my prayers tonight to ask that David Cook sings well tomorrow, and that his fans vote enough times, so that he becomes this year's American Idol. Christ already, he's talented enough.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Gay Marriage, Christian Bigotry

I went looking for Christian blogs and comments. Know thy enemy, right? I'm actually so sad I don't know where to begin.

Why does being a Christian mean swallowing the whole thing, hook line and sinker? And by the whole thing, I mean everything the xtian higher ups pick and choose out of the bible. God made Adam and Even, be fruitful and multiply, etc etc. But we don't bother about stoning witches and all that. Though, creepily enough, one commentator brought that up:

God's word is clear and this type of marriage should not be allowed. However, the old testament practice of putting them to death right now is not an option. How can anyone come to know Jesus once they are dead?
Ok, so you're willing to forgo one part of the Bible in hopes that fags will accept Jesus. How screwed up is that?

"you can see why the Homosexuals would love this to become legal, because then they can slowly but surely enact equal rights and benefits for their mates." As always, you make the simplest things sound so SINISTER. Oh my GOD, if they can get MARRIED then they'll slink their stealthy way into us TREATING THEM like they're married. OMFG!! *ahem* I think it's part of the point, dude.

About the point that God made man and woman to make babies, and fags can't make babies...why then aren't Christians horribly up in arms about straight men and women who choose not to procreate? By this logic, Surfer Jesus' and my siblings are just as horrible and god-hating as all those California fags, because none of them have been knocked up. (Ironic to think that SJ and I are more "godly" in that sense than others, eh?) If it must be legislated that marriage is for a man and a woman, then it should also be legislated that men and women who get married MUST procreate. Be fruitful and multiply; God directly commands it. Better legislate it, too. If you don't, this also "constitutes yet another blatant slap in His face".

And we've talked about this a LOT recently, but it gets me yet again:
Issues such as this one make me very thankful to know we do not have to endure this much longer. As the world spins toward its certain appointment with destruction; we look to the heavens from which our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will soon appear. Just as God saved Lot and his family from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, so God will save us from the certain destruction of this evil world through the soon appearing of His Son. Praise God.
Geez, how ungrateful can you get?

Lord, thank you for this beautiful world, my life, my wife and children, my You-appointed dominion over the creatures of the land sea and air. Please, Lord, bring it to an end at your earliest possible convenience. Amen. "This evil world", indeed.

And to end on a positive note: "psalmthirtyseven" actually seems to have a bit of sense. You know, for a Christian.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Importance of Religion

I've seen a couple posts about why athiests are always so concerned with god and religion when we don't believe in it. And that's a pretty stupid argument, but I'll address it as succinctly as I can.

The reason it's so important to is is because it's so important to you assholes and you have a history of holding religious beliefs against people who don't believe exactly what you do. Take a look at Bush (that douche). He's trying his hardest to turn this country into a theocracy. And when that happens, nobody's safe because it's the beliefs of whomever's in charge at the time that are going to rule. So that means that gays will be thrown in jail, abortionists are going to be locked away, and anybody who speaks out against god in any way will be locked up. And even if they're not locked up, this country will come to a halt because the prejudice that will ensue will be worse than anything the blacks ever thought of facing. Good people won't be able to get jobs because they're not the right flavor of xtian. And forget muslims. They'll be lucky to get out with their lives. I believe that more murders will be excused because religion tolerates that kinda thing a lot more. Well your honor. He told me that he was muslim and god sucked. Then he took out some wires and started making a bomb that he said he was going to throw into my church. What else could I do?

The worst thing that could possibly ever happen would be for this country to go the theocracy route. So yeah, you're goddamn right I care about religion. It's a pretty hot topic for me right now because I know I'm one of the ones who'll be on the chopping block if I don't stand up and scream the name of everyone's favorite fairy. And yeah, my ex will be leading the charge against me.

So everyone should care about how this country handles religion. And you xtians out there, you just wait. It sounds like a good idea now to run this country as a theocracy, but you just wait until the next guy comes into power and he decides he doesn't like your flavor. You'll be just as outcast as the rest of us. It never ends.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Unicorn Blood

Talking to my mom again the other day and she brought up Obama and how she's really afraid if he takes over the country. Like he could actually take it over... but whatever. So she's still afraid of the muslim aspect, and I said, but he's not muslim. She said, that's what he says, but I don't trust him one second. He's hanging around that one preacher and teaches some pretty radical shit. I said, yeah, but he's xtian, not muslim. Yeah, but he's not really xtian, she said. He's no kinda xtian I've ever seen, and he certainly doesn't believe the things I do.

And that's the problem right there, isn't it? It's not enough to be religous. And it's not enough to be xtian. You have to be the exact same xtian that I am before I'll accept you. Nothing's ever good enough. It's all so childish anyway. They might as well be arguing about Pokemon for all it matters.

But it's seriously like one time when coming out of the theater from seeing Harry Potter. There were these teen girls in front of us arguing over the real color of unicorn blood. Personally, I thought it was pretty cool that they made it that shiny silver. That's just a cool effect. But one of these girls argued that unicorn blood was black because she saw it in another movie. Dude, fucking seriously?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

My Mother's Day Present

So for mother's day, SJ got me....RICHARD DAWKINS DVDs! I'm seriously so excited, it's ridiculous. We've already watched "Break the Science Barrier", and we have these to work through:

  • AAI 2007 Convention
  • Root of all Evil?
  • Root of all Evil? uncut interviews
  • The Four Horsemen
  • Growing Up in the Universe

And yes - being newly realized atheists - we're like kids newly discovering, oh I dunno, Hannah Montana or something...gotta get the shirts, posters, books, videos, and talk nothing else but for hours and hours and days and months...and I'm okay with that.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

AOTD: Einstein's and God

Belief in God a 'product of human weaknesses': Einstein letter

Einstein writes "the word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish."

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Today's Sermon

Tadpole just got back from her mother's. This weekend was like any other, she said: movies, video games, church. For the fun of it, I asked her what they talked about in church. She told me the story of Legion, more or less as follows:

"There was this guy who was really mean because he had a lot of demons in him, and then Jesus asked the demon his name, and he said 'Legion', and he told them to get out. Because there were lots of them in there. And the demon said 'Please don't kill me.' And Jesus told them to get out again, and I don't remember what happened next." What happened next was the demons all came out of the guy and went into a herd of pigs, and they ran into a lake and drowned.

I asked her, what was the reason for telling that story in church? What did they want you to learn from it? She said, "I guess not to let demons get in you." "Well how would you keep that from happening?" "I dunno."

A) Way to educate the children. The point was evidently well received by one and all. Or, you know, not.

B) This story sounds WAY weirder to me than it did when I heard it in church.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Finally an Original Post: Get Busy Living

Well, not "original" at that...this was inspired by Life, the Universe, and Everything's Square Pegs post.

While talking this post over with SurferJesus, he mentioned how bad his ex wife's christianity is for his daughter (Tadpole). The ex involves her in all the Christian stuff and is terribly into death. She keeps talking about the imminent end of the world, and on and on about death, and it's really disturbed Tadpole quite a bit, and given her nightmares. Remember, this kid is still aged in the single digits.

It suddenly struck me anew how completely hereafter-focused Christians are. This life sucks, we suck, this is a test, this is only a test. Everything gets started after death: the big party for us, the big punishment for the people we don't like. Earth is the last class before summer vacation. What a completely shitty way to live your life.

One of the benefits of atheism is getting to focus on the here and now. THIS is the party, here we are! Let's boogie!

And I get it's not like that for all xtians. God's a big comfort in times of trouble, take joy in God, all that. But like so many other things in the faith, God as a joy in life always seemed really forced to me while I was a believer. This has the feeling of trying to hold on to the Santa Clause story to your 17 year old. It just doesn't fly easily.

By the way, you should also check out LtUaE's Creationist Caught Speeding...simply delightful.

Pat Robertson the Athiest

I remember growing up seeing the 700 Club on TV. I didn't really get what it was all about until I saw it again as an adult though. I remember seeing Pat sitting there at a news desk reading the news. I actually just happened to be flipping channels and just came across him. Anyway, he was on a news story about some disaster so I stopped to listen. And here was this guy talking about how the gays caused this, and how all these people would still be alive had it not been for the gays. And how we need strict legislation to make gayness illegal, blahblahblah. And I remember thinking... my god, what a fucking freak. THIS is what the 700 Club has been about all these years? Whatever dude.

So it got me thinking. Dawkins says that everyone is an athiest and we're just athiest with one more god than xtians. Well, it made me start thinking that everyone eventually turns athiest. Everyone. Even Pat Robertson. Because everyone's got to eventually die and when they do and discover that there's no god, then they'll have no choice but to convert. And I saw Pat on something a couple weeks ago and man that guy's looking old. He's about to drop dead any second now. And then we can add him to our ranks. Though, as big a freak as he is I'm not sure we want him.

That'll be my new counter. I'm going to start counting converted athiests. Every time one of these staunch xtian assholes dies, I'm going to count another convert to athiesm.
So Pat, step right up and get converted.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

AOTD chain: Holy Potato, Batman!

Berlin family finds 'holy potato'

Berliner Morgenpost is calling [it] "the miracle of Berlin-Charlottenburg."

"Everyone was deeply stirred," Balta told the paper. "Some of them even began to weep and to pray."
:|
The couple's son has set up a blog dedicated to the potato, which White said the family may sell on eBay.
Totally interesting to me that they only mention at the END of the article that the woman's a Muslim.

This pointed to: Leftists disrupt Christian youth festival in Bremen
A traditional Christian youth festival in Germany faced unprecedented disruptions by leftists who hacked the gathering's website, interrupted speeches and threw beer bottles at visitors, organizers said on Tuesday. [They] found themselves under siege by leftist extremists determined to protest what they saw as Christian intolerance to homosexuality and abortion.
Heh. The festival is called "Christival". Heh.

Also: Vandals target Munich's first gay maypole. I'm sorry, I just can't help sniggering at "gay maypole". Heheheheh.

And finally, Captian Obvious writes: 'Celebration of nudity' opposed by Church

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

How a blow job ruined my herb garden.

I used to be an athiest, but now I can see that I was wrong. God has shown me definite proof of his existence and here to ask all of you sinners to repent.

See, I've started this herb garden out back and the seeds are just starting to come up. And it chose now to rain really really hard and it's going to completely destroy my plants. That's how I know it's god. There's no reason for him to destroy my plants so he must be punishing faggots again. I know you guys are out there going against god. I can smell you. And I'm putting you all on notice. You all owe me for my plants. The seeds, soil, food, etc. If you're too blind to see that god is punishing you for sucking cock then you can at least pay for the damage.

Why do you have to choose to be gay and go against god? Can't you see what you're doing to the world? Can't you see how much you hurt your maker? And what about the rest of us? God is clearly taking it out on us so we'll police you and bring you back to his house. So STOP IT!!!

And if you're still not convinced that it's you causing this, then here... directly from the New Bible in black and white. How much more does god have to spell it out to you?

SJ Bruce 44:12

And should any man lay with any other man, I will bring upon the earth much destruction. For every time a set of balls slap against an ass I will roar thunder throughout the heavens. For every pearl necklace I will give thee a tornado. And for every golden shower I will rain upon thee in orders of magnitude greater. Let me say it another way so that I'm not misunderstood. Because I know how you guys like to find loopholes in my commandments. I command you faggots to keep your fucking hands to yourselves. I don't want you grabbing each other's dicks, or putting anyone's balls in your mouth. And no more eating asses. Each man's corn shall remain his own. I don't want to see any holding hands, circle jerking, oil wrestling, butt plugging, or any sexual horseplay in the workplace. You are not to undress in front of another man at the gym either. You never know what's going to set those faggots off. There is no glory in a glory hole, so keep your dick out of there. I don't think I can be more clear here. Don't touch any man's ass with any part of your body. Don't touch any part of a man's genitals with any part of your body. And YES, gloves, dildos, and any other instrument you sick fuckers invent count. In fact, let me just go ahead and say that you should not be the direct or indirect cause of any type of physical pleasure to another man whether it be intentional or unintentional. And don't touch another man's mouth with any part of your body either. That's just gross.
Oh and another thing. When you go to the bathroom in public, keep your feet in your own stall. I'm onto that one too.
And as for you women... you're good, carry on.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Ben Stein is a Fucking Douche

Ok, I can't hold my tongue any longer. Ben Stein, you're a fucking douche. And you're clearly too fucking ignorant to understand even the simplest concepts. How the fuck have you managed to live this long without being run over by a tree?

Seriously dude... it's fucking ignorant fucks like you that give all religions a bad name. To denounce all science completely like you are just doesn't make any sense.

Here's a couple links so you guys will know what I'm talking about.

Science is Killing People
NOR Recap
ADL's 2-cents

Now, at the very least this asswipe is a fucking hypocrit. And at the most he's an evil lying fuck. How the fuck can he say that science is all bad when he wears glasses? What, does he think that they came from divine scripture? I bet he doesn't mind his Dr. having been to med school and studying science. I bet he doesn't mind the guys who designed the airplanes he flies around in studying science. I bet he doesn't mind the guys who develop and provide electricity studying science. I bet he doesn't mind science when it gives him a car and fuel to put in it. And I also bet he doesn't mind it when he makes his living in front of the camera... which also isn't divine inspiration. It takes a lot of science to put images and sound on film.

And he's actually blaming science for Hitler? What the fuck dude? Are you seriously that big of a fucking idiot? Scientists weren't whispering in Hitler's ear telling him to kill Jews. His mother was in the care of a Jewish Dr when she died and he blamed him for her death. That among other things led to the holocaust. You fucking ingorant prick. Have you ever bothered to read on any of the trash you're spewing out of that fucking whorehole you call a mouth?

Not to mention that absolutely everything can be used for good and evil. That car you drive in can be used to kill the same as any gun. And so can god. In fact, I'd say more people have been killed with god than any other weapon in history.

Science is not the problem you prick-fuck. Athiests are not the problem either. YOU are the problem. You give the human race a bad name. It's retarded moron fucks like you who start holy wars and convince people that they need to slaughter all the non-believers. But at least you won't be doing it with science. Forget athiest vs thiest. Forget xtian vs muslim. It should be everybody vs YOU. You make all religions look bad and even the most religious idiots in the world have something to gain by your removal from this planet.

What about the xtian senators who approved the vietnam war so they could line their pockets? What about the xtian slave owners who made fortunes off of others' suffering?

And for your information, scientists weren't leading people into gas chambers you pathetic fuck. Soldiers were. The scientists did what they were told and developed them. But they didn't build them. And a group of scientists certainly didn't surround Hitler in a corner and threaten to take his lunch money if he didn't start killing Jews so they could further science. Killing in the name of science... bitch please!!! And many of Hitler's cruelest generals were Catholics you mouth-breathing compost heap!!

Science is science. It's a tool (like YOU). Science is neither good nor evil. It can be applied by anyone who can harness it though, which puts science at the mercy of whomever is using it.


You Fucking Asswipe!!

Friday, May 2, 2008

Jesus and Porn

I saw a sort of homemade billboard recently that said

Please stop the porn and be reborn, jesus. John 3 3
John 3:3 actually says "In reply Jesus declared, 'I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.'"

Were I Jesus, not only would it piss me off that I'm so often misquoted, but also that people make me sound like Muhammad Ali. "Float like a butterfly, sting like the fires of everlasting damnation..."

God's Orgy

The bible is full of truly depraved sex acts. You don't have to read very long before you see some guy giving up his wife and his daughter to an entire crowd of men to appease their desires for some strange man who has shown up on his doorstep.

However, I really think that a lot of that gets misunderstood. It's not that the ancients had such little regard for women that they were willing to throw them to the wolves. Not at all. It's that god was punishing them for their wickedness.

Let me show you what I mean. In this installment of my New Bible, I'm going to show you what actually happened and how it was actually a punishment on the people to have the women released to them. Here's the passage directly out of the New Bible.



SJ Orgy 4:12
For a stranger knocked upon his door to stay for the night. And within a few minutes of being let inside, another knock came to the door. There stood several villagers demanding that the man be given unto them so that they may lay with him as the shepards do with their sheep. Just as the man was about to be released to the crowd, god appeared to admonish the sinners.

You shall not have this man as your own because you have each turned him away from your houses, god said. Instead, I will give you his women to do with as you will. You came here tonight hoping to taste some sweet ass and to feel the gentle tickle of anus hair on your balls when you thrust deeply. But you are undeserving of such a treasure. You want to feel the briskness of whiskers on your stomach, but you are unworthy. This man has taken him into his home. So it is he who will feel the exquisite sensation of balls slapping his chin. And it is he who will discover wonderful bits of peanut in his teeth tomorrow. And the traveler will be ready to depart at first light for he will truly get his shit packed tonight.
And you people, for your unkindness shall lay with these 2 women. The younger one has no hair yet so you cannot even pretend she's a guy. And the older woman is with cycle and let me tell you as the one who created here that this bitch is fucking ripe when she's on the rag. Therefore I command every one of you to take her with your mouths until her blood becomes your blood. And let me tell you this. The smell I have given her will make this man's sweaty, unwashed ass seem like a fucking banana split. And don't even think of banging either of these 2 chicks in the ass. Because I have made it so that chicks fart when you blast them in the ass, and if you think her pussy stinks then trust me, you don't want to see what's inside door number 2. But seriously, if any of you enter the asses of either of these 2 women I shall punish thee by never again showing any signs of my existance in this world. You will have to have faith that I exist and I will never perform another miracle or speak to any human until the end of time. And your faith will be difficult to hold because I'll let bad things happen to good people. You will pray to me and I will ignore it. And there will be great movements that speak against my existance and you will be powerless to stop it.

End verse.

Wow, so as you can see, that was really a punishment for those men. Seriously though... who the fuck knocks on a neighbor's door and demands to fuck whoever's inside? Doesn't that seem a little far out there even for back then? And if they're all so horny for fudge, why don't they just fuck the shit out of each other? Why do they have to fuck some guy who just came into town?

I do wonder what happened that night though. Looking at things today, do you think they obeyed god's command?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Happy Reason Day!

Thanks to Free Mind Joe, I have been introduced to the National Day of Reason ON the National Day of Reason! Yay me! Yay us! Let's get out there and MAKE SOME SENSE, PEOPLE!

Many who value the separation of religion and government have sought an appropriate response to the federally-supported National Day of Prayer, an annual abuse of the constitution. Nontheistic Americans (including freethinkers, humanists, atheists, agnostics, and deists), along with many traditionally religious allies, view such government-sanctioned sectarianism as unduly exclusionary.

A consortium of leaders from within the community of reason endorsed the idea of a National Day of Reason. This observance is held in parallel with the National Day of Prayer, on the first Thursday in May (1 May 2008). The goal of this effort is to celebrate reason - a concept all Americans can support - and to raise public awareness about the persistent threat to religious liberty posed by government intrusion into the private sphere of worship.

You'll Never Win

It's the circular logic of x-tians that I just don't get. I know I've written about this before but it hits me in the face a LOT because I come across it a LOT.

I'm talking about that whole argument that god only helps those who help themselves. And while that's true for people, it's at least quantifiable. If your kid is trying really hard to find resources for his school project and you happen to have something that he can use, you're likely to give it to him if he's being responsible and trying hard. But if he's just sitting on the couch doing nothing, then you're likely to let him exhaust his other resources first.

The same goes with pretty much any other thing too, right? You're more likely to throw money at someone who's doing all the right things in their life, but just can't seem to make things happen because they don't have enough resources than you are someone who refuses to go out and get a job to earn money.

It doesn't work that way with god. The fucking x-tians always say that god gave them the money to take their trip, or made them better when they were sick, etc. So you got out and took an extra job so you got extra money. Now you can pay for your trip. So where does god come in? Oh, that's right, he allowed you to get the job, that's right. Or did he allow the check not to bouce? Or did he give you the ability to do the job, and the willingness to go out and get it in the first place? That's the problem with that shit. You can't quantify anything he's actually done. I got the job. I worked the job. I kept the job. I got paid for the job. What the fuck did god do?

And since I'm all about off-beat examples, allow me to drive my point into the ground with a few.

#1
My daughter studied all week for her test and passed with an A. Therefore, that credit belongs to me because I allowed her to study. And since I gave her life, I actually gave her the ability to study. So the credit is all mine.

#2
My friend cheated on his wife last week, and he said it was the best sex he'd ever had. I wonder if he's thanking god for the ability to break one of his commandments with such skill.

#3
You ask your kid to go get you a soda from the fridge. When she returns, you thank your wife. Yeah, you kid did all the work, but your wife didn't tackle her on the way to the kitchen so she deserves the credit for allowing her to do it. Hey, I guess you deserve some credit too since you gave her life which also allowed her to do it.

#4
I'd like to thank god for allowing me to study and pass my trig test last week. And I'd also like to say fuck you god for allowing me to study for physics just as hard, but not allowing me to pass. So fuck you, I'll take the next one.


You know, I joke around a lot, but if god really does exist, what the fuck's with him always tripping us up? Frankly I find it rather offensive that he keeps defeating my efforts. And why is it that he never bothers lifting a finger for me until I break down and do it myself?

Hey, it's not he's actually helping those who help themselves. I need a job that makes $20/hr. I get a job that makes $20/hr. And I'm paid $20/hr. See, math so simple even I can do it. You want to help me? Fine, I went out and got the job, and I'm working the job faithfully. Now, have them pay me double what they said they would. So I still make $20/hr, yet somehow I'm getting double every week. And nobody knows where it's coming from, it's just showing up. THAT'S helping those who help themselves. But this bullshit where you just sit back and wait for me to do something and then just allow things to happen as usual... that's just bullshit.

It's like watching ants. They don't need to praise us because we're watching them carry food back to their hill. Just because we're not killing them doesn't mean we deserve any of the credit for their food. And god is actually actively trying to kill us all the time. And randomly too I might add.

OK, I'm really beating the point now, but it just kills me (that circular logic). They take it as such fact and it doesn't hold up at all. There's not one single shred of evidence that god actually DID anything. When my kid's trying to buy something with his own money and comes up a little short, I can give him a couple bucks to help him out. See, he's spending his own money and just came up a little short. I helped him because he helped himself. But if I don't give him the money and he goes out and makes more until he has enough, then where the fuck did I help?
Dammit, see, there I go again. OK, I'm gonna stop now because this shit just drives me crazy. Hey, maybe god's allowing me to go crazy. He's certainly given me the ability. And I'm definitely helping myself by allowing this to drive me crazy. So I guess they're right. God's making me crazy.