Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Every Man's Heaven

So again, my daughter was talking to me last night that her mom says I'm going to hell because I don't believe in God.

Well of course I'm going to hell. You don't think I'd take a chance on running into her at all do you? Besides, could anyplace w/o my ex really be all that bad?

It's funny though... what different people call heaven. Some people have this very simplistic view of what heaven is. Heaven is just a Charmin commercial where you're surrounded by billows of soft white fluff. Others hold true to the belief that heaven is different for everyone. And of course if you're muslim it's a huge fucking orgy.

And from what I can tell, everyone has pretty much the same view of hell. It's always got fire in it and you're completely miserable. Let's not forget that fire was all they had when the bible was written and it's not even close to the worst thing you could come across anymore so it's really not that bad.

It strikes me that xtians have a really simplistic view of hell too. And from what I hear, so does God. Basically God thinks like the xtians. Hell is anyplace he's not. That's why he cast satan down to earth because w/o his glow anyone is doomed. Hey, we all like to think that's true about ourselves, but the truth is, satan's probably a lot happier w/o having to suck-up all the time. Yes God, you're the best. Yes God nobody can create a planet like you. Yes God, that's a fabulous souffle. Shit, I bet he's still enjoying the quiet.

That brings up a good point... is God a xtian? Does he follow his son too, or is God a Jew and he raised Jesus a Jew until he got old enough to start his own religion? Hmmm...

I've also heard that heven and hell are the same place. It's a place where truly good people can go to be truly good for eternity. But it's also a place where truly bad people go and where they can't do anything bad. And isn't that the worst hell of all... being surrounded by goodie-goodies and not being able to cause any trouble? I bet God shocks them if they don't praise his souffle too and that's gotta suck.

So it really doesn't matter where each one physically resides or if they're separate or not. The point is, I won't be in either place with my ex. It's actually logically impossible because her heaven would be somewhere without me. And my hell would be somewhere with her. So it's actually impossible for us to coexist in the afterlife too.
Ain't that a bitch?

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