Monday, June 29, 2009

On the Mountain with Moses: Monkeys aren't for spanking

So we went on a trip to Santa Monica last week and I got to thinking on the plane and for some reason it hit me... I wonder why Moses was on the mountain so long. What went on up there? So I've decided to put together a small series that outlines a few of the possibilities.

That's the setup... So in this episode let's see what god and moses might have been talking about.

M: I need to ask you a question about one of the commandments.
G: Go ahead my son.
M: I have a problem with 'Do not covet they neighbor's wife'.
G: What is your problem?
M: I really don't see what the problem is with just thinking about being with somebody.
G: That's your neighbor's wife and you're not supposed to think of her in that way. It's disrespectful.
M: But I just don't see what harm it does. I mean, if I don't tell anybody about it, what would make it so bad? I mean, my neighbor's wife is hot so why can't I picture her on top of me every now and then.
G: Moses, you're not supposed to think about things like that. You are to dedicate yourself body and soul to the mate you have chosen. You are to be faithful in every way possible.
M: Well, how am I supposed to get any good whack material unless I have a variety of
women to use? I mean, man doesn't live by bread alone.
G: That's something else I've been meaning to talk to you about. You shouldn't be pleasuring yourself.
M: What?!? What do you mean? What's wrong with going on a little yankation every now and then? I can't believe you won't let us spank the monkey.
G: Ok, for starters, stop talking like that. There's more polite language to use when referring to such things. And for another thing, I've told you before that sex is only for procreation. It's better to plant your seed in the belly of a whore than on the ground for the ants to eat.
M: So we can bang hookers, COOL!
G: No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm merely saying that you shouldn't waste your semen by not planting it inside a woman. And I'm telling you again to stop using that kind of language.
M: But why is it so bad to have a little salami massage now and then? My wife isn't all that pretty in the first place and then you made her bleed once a month and when she's pregnant she get's all fat and does nothing but eat. And I'm a lotta man and I gotta get mine. What am I supposed to do, bang her when she's bleeding?

G: Of course not, don't be disgusting, you can't stick your dick in something while it's bleeding... listen to me now you've got me talking like that. During those times you can go work in the fields or plan how you're going to conquer the next town and convert them to my word. But don't massage your monkey... dammit, there I go again... Stop talking like that.

M: So I can't bang my wife while she's on the rag or knocked up, and you don't want me whacking my... I mean, taking care of my own business... so that leaves hookers.

G: No, you still can't bang hookers. You have to remain faithful to the sacred union you've established in my name.

M: OK, but what if I'm doing a hooker and I'm thinking about my wife? Is that ok?
G: No, that's not ok either.
M: What if I'm with a hooker and I think about my hand?
G: This is going to be a long day. No, you can't do that either.
M: what if we're in different zip codes?
G: Now there's an idea.

OK, there's the first installment of On the Mountain with Moses. I hope you enjoyed.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Very Rough Photoshop...

Why don't we see more of this kind of thing, really?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Fuck You Muslim Pricks

OK so this isn’t going to be the usual funny, light-hearted post I usually do.  Instead I’m going to vent a little about something that’s really starting to bother me a LOT.

I was in an airport yesterday waiting on a flight that was running 4hrs late.  I looked over to my left and there was this guy sitting there in shorts.  They were regular jean shorts with sandals, and a normal polo shirt.  Just a normal guy.  He was darker-skinned so he wasn’t white, but it’s hard to tell where he’s from exactly.  But he looked like the kind of guy who you could probably be friends with at work or something.

Then directly to his right was his wife.  Covered from head to toe in a solid black sheet with only a tiny slit for her eyes.  SERIOUSLY MOTHERFUCKER?!? 

OK, here’s the crux of my post tonight.  I’m getting so fucking sick of these muslim prick asshole motherfuckers who think they’re so fucking above everyone else and esp their women.  What the fuck makes him so much more worthy to not have to suffer the heat than his wife?  It was fucking hot yesterday and I’m sure she was miserable in that black tent.

Then my fire was fueled even more when I saw the June 10th episode of the Daily Show.  He was interviewing the producer of the Afganistan Idol.  And he was saying that the religious nuts over there hadn’t thrown them in jail yet, and that even that pretty girl who sang on stage the other day and didn’t cover her face, and even got caught up in the music and barely moved on stage a little was still relatively safe and hadn’t been killed yet.  If that’s your concern for holding a singing show and someone moving in a way while singing that could even be vaguely considered dancing, then fuck your piece of shit religion.  I’m serious here.  I’m really starting to fucking hate muslims and everything they stand for.  They do nothing but try to control everyone’s lives and kill those for the most minor of offenses.  Sure, american xtians can be bad too, but in general they really don’t kill someone for dancing.

So yeah, I’m getting sick of hearing about muslims all the goddamn time and I’m sick of people respecting their religion.  Their religion deserves no respect because they don’t respect anything or anyone.  The only ones who have rights in islam are muslim men.  And even they’d better watch their step.  But the way they support raping of women and killing women for the most minor offenses makes me want to just nuke all of those motherfuckers.  So NO, I’ll never respect islam to any degree nor will I ever be able to be friends with a real muslim because of what they do to their women and children. 

I’ve been friends with muslims before and they always seem like cool enough guys.  But when you see them in a different setting, like at home, and see how they treat their sisters and their wives, there’s no way you can ever look at them the same again.

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Sunday, June 7, 2009

My "Religion"

A discussion online inspired me to write how I really feel...this is my spirituality:

I am made of the stuff of stars. My ancestry goes back millions of years...I am the great granddaughter of the Earth itself, and of the universe. My mere existence is a lucky improbability. I am full of the joy of now, of being alive, of being part of a species that can just begin to study and understand its own existence. My heart is full of the things that I am, of this life and its joys, this being, each breath and step. I am.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Oh Yeah, Religion Sucks

Oops, we fell off the wagon again. I haven't had much to post lately as I've been busy with secular life mostly free of religious nuts imposing on me.

I just finished reading John Grisham's The Last Juror, and racism and religion played a large part in the setting. I was surprised that there were still segregated schools in the early 1970's in Mississippi. I managed to miss out on most of the open racism because of where I lived, but I've seen hidden racism enough that I was surprised--pleasantly--that Obama could be elected.

Yeah, I really haven't got much else right now. Just staying busy and secular.

Big dildo up your ass.