Thursday, May 29, 2008

Noah's Super Sex Blowout

OK, I know I've been gone for a while, but sometimes life steps in and I don't have time to be a smartass on the internet. But I'm back for a while...

Today I wanna talk about this whole Noah's ark thing. Bot is that a piece of shit with more problems than you can count. OK, you could probably count them, but still.

So rather than go into some prolix discussion I'm just going to start with the points that make Noah's ark just impossible.

1. Either evolution happened or it didn't. If you expect us to believe that Noah took 2 of all kinds of animals on his boat then you're stupid. For all the animals that exist today to be here he would have had to take 2 of every single type of elephant, cat, insect, bacteria, etc. And we know that just didn't happen. There's no way that animals from all over the globe came to sit on his boat. There's no way he could've gotten all the animals in his area. OK, so there's that, but where does evolution come in then? Well, I'm glad you asked. If Noah didn't take every single type of insect, then where did they all come from today? If animals don't evolve then that means that he had to preserve them on the ark, right? So where did they come from then? Did god create a new set of animals after the flood was over?

2. Speaking of animals, how did they all get fed? On the boat is easy. Noah took enough food for every animal in the world on the boat (fucking whatever). But what about after the flood? Foxes eat rabbits. Once a single fox ate a single rabbit, what then? How did rabbits continue? What about all the other meat-eaters in the world? What did they eat because there were only 2 of everything so lions couldn't have eaten much, and I seriously doubt a lion can go generations w/o eating an antelope. It just doesn't add up. There's no ecosystem that can sustain all that life. And then they all have to find their way back to where they came from. So lions have to walk all the way to Africa (from the Turkish mountains where the ark is supposed to have landed) without a spec of food because they were all on the ark with him. And whatever zebra happens to be trying to get back to Africa too is only going to get eaten by the cats and hyenas making the same trip and zebras wouldn't be around today. It's just impossible.

3. And of course, let's not forget about Noah, his wife, and 3 sons. So the gangbang that his wife had trying to repopulate the world is just impressive. Each son had to take several turns to ensure she got pregnant. And I'm assuming each one of them had to get her pregnant more than once. OK, so getting past how gross that is, and how genetics can't support that kind of inbreeding, there's another problem. A single woman can't repopulate the earth. It's a pretty common known fact in science that 1 woman and 100 men is not a recipe for population. However, 100 women and 1 man will have much better odds. A man can give seen well into old age, but a woman stops early. And a man can conceive a child 3X a day for the rest of his life. A woman can do it once a year for half her life at most. So it's just not a recipe for success. And that's not to mention that Noah now has to bang his grandaughters and each of his sons has to take a few turns as well. Man talk about girls gone wild, it was just a little bluegrass sex party over there.

My mother is one of those who believes that story as it's written and it's just fucking ridiculous. I ask her these questions and she says, you just have to have faith. Jesus fucking christ... xtians really have just turned off their brains haven't they?

I was going to write a new bible verse about this, but I'm out of time. Perhaps I'll do it tomorrow.

1 comment:

Faithinate said...

Officially speaking, it was Noah & wife, and his sons and THEIR wives. However, I recognize that having 4 women vs. just 1 makes no difference. Just wanted to get that in there before someone else did.

And I hate to say this, but I never even THOUGHT about what they'd eat after the flood. "Who's the goose? Me!"