Thursday, March 12, 2009

God Bless You

This is going to be fairly short because I really just wanted to bitch for a minute.

I'm getting really sick of these assholes who feel the need to bless me at random points of the day. One of those door-to-door meat guys came by a few days ago and on his departure he spouts 'god bless you'. Hey, fuck you prick!! Who the fuck do you think you are pushing your imaginary friend off onto me and what the fuck makes you think it's appropriate in a business transaction? Why haven't you idiots caught on to the fact that mixing religion and business isn't a good mix?

It's like those fuckers who stand on street corners and beg for money. They always feel the need to put god bless you on their fucking sign. Like I'm going to be swayed by that. I'm gonna feel some deep moral obligation because you hope your invisible friend will treat me well. And that's obviously going to mean money for you.

But this shit is everywhere. You can't go anywhere without a random waitress blessing you or without some grocery clerk assaulting you with her religion.

And I realize how you people feel. You're just being nice. You don't see it as an offense. But it has NO business in business. You have no idea who I am and whether or not I believe what you do. What if I did that? What if I picked something that's close to my heart and used it in my salutations to complete strangers.

Now let's see... what could I pick... ok, here's one...

"Good morning, dude."
"Hey, good morning, what's up?"
"Oh nothing, say, I've gotta go but we'll catch up later."
"OK, talk to you later. Big dildo up your ass!"

Now, I don't mean that as an insult. I happen to LOVE a big dildo up my ass. So I mean it as a compliment. But just because it's something I hold dear, and something I'm passionate about, and something I'm hoping everyone can experience, doesn't make it appropriate to use as a greeting with people at work or with strangers in public.

So if you ever get blessed by someone, just wish them a big dildo up their ass. I promise, you'll feel better.

1 comment:

praiseNull said...

When I saw the title I thought you were going to talk about the default response to sneezing. It suddenly occurred to me it would make as much sense if you were to say "God bless you" every time someone farted or had any other bodily elimination.