I Like Jesus with Cheese

This is a post I've bee meaning to write for quite some time. In fact I've been planning this since Fathinate first told me that this happened. So what am I talking about... why the ficious Catholic cracker kidnapping incident, of course!!

So if you're unsure of which incident I'm speaking, here are some links with which you can amuse yourself.

http://www.wftv.com/news/16798008/detail.html

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/07/its_a_goddamned_cracker.php

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/07/fight_back_against_bill_donohu.php

OK, now if those don't whet your whistle then nothing will.

Now onto business. I think PZ (2nd link) said it best when he called these people a bunch of fuckwits. This issue is not only what's wrong religion, it's what's wrong with this country and this world. If you assholes honestly think that a thumbnail sized store-bought cracker is more important than a human life then you really need to be kicked off this planet.
I'm getting so fucking sick of these exclusionary groups that are nothing more than cheap excuses for hate.

I'm actually mostly at a loss for words. I never thought I would ever have to tell someone that a cracker doesn't actually turn into flesh.

I was actually talking to a Catholic friend of mine today who was in shock as well. He thinks it's common sense that the whole communion thing is merely symbolic. And I'm sure when pressed behind closed doors, even the Pope would agree that it's all bullshit. He doesn't honestly believe that eating crackers he waved his hand over will turn into actual flesh. And besides... that's just fucking gross. I used to take communion all the time and I stopped because I kept getting the foreskin. Oh wait... Jesus was a Jew... I guess it was nutsack. Anyway, the problem is you never know which portion of the flesh is in your cracker. Did you get the elbow, the eyeball, the intestine, a ball of hair, the inside of the colon, a wad of semen, or... well you get the idea.

I'm making light of this very serious situation because it's just so ridiculous I feel the need to fight ridiculous fire with ridiculous fire.

And now I'm gonna put on my monster face.
Listen you ignorant asswipes... I don't care what stupid shit you wanna feed your kids, but don't force it on the rest of us. If you're so in love with your goddamn crackers then go buy a whole stack of them and build a statue of Jesus. If you're going to kill someone over a single cracker, or even over an entire truckload of crackers then you're seriously fucked in the head.
And just because you believe that a that a guy kidnapped a cracker because 2 thousand years ago a snake talked a woman into eating an apple, that doesn't mean that we have to respect it. And it doesn't mean we have to live by it, or tiptoe around it, or lose our jobs or our lives over it. Keep your fairies to yourself.

Because we tolerate your religion doesn't mean we have to tolerate everything you do. I tolerate my children playing loudly while I'm trying to work, but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate them blowing airhorns in my ear. You religious nuts have had it too good for too long. Gone are the days when you can say believe in god or I'll kill you. Now you have to ask nicely and convince us that you're not completely full of shit and it's a lot harder. Only you slip into your old tricks now and then by fucking with some innocent guy over a fucking cracker or by having a policeman fired for marching in a gay pride parade. These are your new crusades. You're still nothing but bullies and murders only you're not allowed to actually kill anybody anymore. But given half a chance, you'd do it in a heartbeat. Well, we're tired of it and we're not going to put up with it anymore. The right to practice religion and to worship dry, shitty crackers is protected in this country. And so is NOT eating dry, shitty crackers and speaking in tongues. We have every bit as much right to not believe in fairies as you have to believe in them, and YES, having someone fired for that belief or killing someone for it is just the same as them having you fired for your beliefs.

All you assholes are intolerant; you're bullies; you're exclusionary; you're bigots; and your actions are completely unacceptable.

We're done putting up with your childish antics. Come into the adult world and join the human race.