Monday, June 29, 2009

On the Mountain with Moses: Monkeys aren't for spanking

So we went on a trip to Santa Monica last week and I got to thinking on the plane and for some reason it hit me... I wonder why Moses was on the mountain so long. What went on up there? So I've decided to put together a small series that outlines a few of the possibilities.

That's the setup... So in this episode let's see what god and moses might have been talking about.

M: I need to ask you a question about one of the commandments.
G: Go ahead my son.
M: I have a problem with 'Do not covet they neighbor's wife'.
G: What is your problem?
M: I really don't see what the problem is with just thinking about being with somebody.
G: That's your neighbor's wife and you're not supposed to think of her in that way. It's disrespectful.
M: But I just don't see what harm it does. I mean, if I don't tell anybody about it, what would make it so bad? I mean, my neighbor's wife is hot so why can't I picture her on top of me every now and then.
G: Moses, you're not supposed to think about things like that. You are to dedicate yourself body and soul to the mate you have chosen. You are to be faithful in every way possible.
M: Well, how am I supposed to get any good whack material unless I have a variety of
women to use? I mean, man doesn't live by bread alone.
G: That's something else I've been meaning to talk to you about. You shouldn't be pleasuring yourself.
M: What?!? What do you mean? What's wrong with going on a little yankation every now and then? I can't believe you won't let us spank the monkey.
G: Ok, for starters, stop talking like that. There's more polite language to use when referring to such things. And for another thing, I've told you before that sex is only for procreation. It's better to plant your seed in the belly of a whore than on the ground for the ants to eat.
M: So we can bang hookers, COOL!
G: No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm merely saying that you shouldn't waste your semen by not planting it inside a woman. And I'm telling you again to stop using that kind of language.
M: But why is it so bad to have a little salami massage now and then? My wife isn't all that pretty in the first place and then you made her bleed once a month and when she's pregnant she get's all fat and does nothing but eat. And I'm a lotta man and I gotta get mine. What am I supposed to do, bang her when she's bleeding?

G: Of course not, don't be disgusting, you can't stick your dick in something while it's bleeding... listen to me now you've got me talking like that. During those times you can go work in the fields or plan how you're going to conquer the next town and convert them to my word. But don't massage your monkey... dammit, there I go again... Stop talking like that.

M: So I can't bang my wife while she's on the rag or knocked up, and you don't want me whacking my... I mean, taking care of my own business... so that leaves hookers.

G: No, you still can't bang hookers. You have to remain faithful to the sacred union you've established in my name.

M: OK, but what if I'm doing a hooker and I'm thinking about my wife? Is that ok?
G: No, that's not ok either.
M: What if I'm with a hooker and I think about my hand?
G: This is going to be a long day. No, you can't do that either.
M: what if we're in different zip codes?
G: Now there's an idea.

OK, there's the first installment of On the Mountain with Moses. I hope you enjoyed.

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