In the Same Breath

So I was talking to my mom today... you remember her, the strict baptist.

And she told me that she's finally given up on me. She no longer holds any belief that I will find the lord again. All that really means is that she'll stop bugging me about it because I'm sure she won't stop getting on her knees-clasping her hands- and talking to herself about it. And believe it or not, in the same breath she started telling me a story about the old testiment. I'm trying to remember now what her point was because it sparked the reason for this post and it just went out of my head. Oh wait, I remember now.

Yeah that's it... she was telling me about something they were studying in bible group last week. How all these people were screwing around sinning all over the place, having sex with relatives, etc. and how god gave them a chance to repent and they refused so he brought the flood. The baptists are a simple people aren't they?

Anyway though... so as she tells the story god doesn't make you do anything. He gives you the choice to do as he commands and to repent if you stray. Oh wait, that's what started all this... I asked her why god didn't just make us do what he wants if he wants us to do it so badly, why doesn't he just make it so that we always do what he wants. And she told me that story to demonstrate how he gives us free will.

And this is the point of my whole argument with her. If god gives us free will and we can choose as we like, then why does he kill us when we refuse to do as he wants? We're talking old bible here still right? But it's not free will if he says do it or I'll kill you. Free will is free will. And when you have free will you're welcome to do what you like. There may be consequences, but they shouldn't be at the hand of the person giving you permission to do what you like. In a free will environment you're free to make choices and live the the consequences of those choices as they happen. But you're not allowed to wave a steak in front of your dog and then beat him when he goes for it.

I had this same thing with a couple ex-girlfriends. We would be talking about some hot chick at a party or someone I worked with and they would always say something like... if you wanna sleep with her you're welcome to. No, really, go ahead. You can do whatever you want. And then when I would ask what would happen if I did, they would say... oh I'd leave you, but you're free to fuck her if you want. Well then, that's not really free now is it? It's understood that if I wanna fuck someone else it'll end the relationship. The way to approach that is no you can't go fuck that girl. That way it's understood that my girlfriend does not approve of me fucking someone else and should I choose to do it, things between us will be over. But to say I'm free to do it, go ahead... well, that's just misleading. I'm glad I never actually fell for that trap.

So in the old bible there really is no such thing as free will. You do what you're told or you're fucking dead. Which leads me into one of the god problems right? If the new testament takes care of that by him sending jesus to save us so he didn't have to kill all of us all the time, then that proves god can't exist at all. Because that proves that god made a mistake in the way he was dealing with us before and he had to change his method. And if the entire premise is that god is infallable, then that disproves the entire thing right there. Or maybe he didn't realize he would have to keep killing us and killing us because we never learn our lesson. Either way, god didn't see it coming so he's not perfect.

I really do believe all of this, but GOD I love fucking with my mother.

Jesus Cheeto

Yeah, somebody found a Jesus Cheeto. I'm not even going to bother to find a link for it, but if you're into that then I'll repost this link I rediscovered (and posted) a month ago: http://getbehindjesus.net/

A TV was on at work, and this is where I heard and saw it. They said they aren't going to auction it on eBay but will put it in a safe deposit box. Um, okay.

Perhaps they should be blessing Cheetos instead of crackers for communion.

Edit: Faithinate says, here's a link.

Edit: praiseNull says, oh my, that's not even the one I saw. This is. The son of God is coopting our snack foods! What a cracker!

The Red Comma

Xtians have some decent ideas sometimes and in fact, they've actually got some pretty clever people working for them. Some of the more fun songs from my childhood were from church camp and they've got some pretty good slogans to boot.

Now that said, the United Church of Christ has a red comma campaign. What is the red comma you ask? Well, simply it's a slogan... Don't put a period where God has put a comma. It's part of their 'still speaking' agenda. I'll admit that it's a nice slogan were it not complete bullshit. All the same though, it's catchy and it comes with that one thing that everyone desires more than anything... symbolic merchandise. You can go to their site and buy all kinds of things with red commas on them. From time to time also, if you pay really close attention you'll see someone with a red comma pin on their lapel. And we all know how much people like to have their little insider symbols. It's like a closed club, but also a way to witness without having to bring it up yourself. If someone sees a comma on your shirt they're likely to ask what it's for. Now you've got them asking about it so you can witness to them and tell them how wonderful your murderous lord is. I'm sorry, did I say murderous? I meant omniscient.

So anyway, no matter how good an idea it is, don't fall for it. If you see a red comma on anything just know what you're getting yourself into. And they're not all red. They've gotten quite stylish. Some are black on red, etc. And they've got mugs, pens, all kinds of things.

That's what we need though. The red 'A' is ok, but it doesn't have quite the flare of a comma. Maybe we should have a semi-colon or something. Maybe a nice '!'. The darwin fish is alright but everyone knows what that is. What we need is something that will make people ask so we can anti-witness.

What do you guys think? Does the 'A' have enough panache?

I Like Jesus with Cheese

This is a post I've bee meaning to write for quite some time. In fact I've been planning this since Fathinate first told me that this happened. So what am I talking about... why the ficious Catholic cracker kidnapping incident, of course!!

So if you're unsure of which incident I'm speaking, here are some links with which you can amuse yourself.

http://www.wftv.com/news/16798008/detail.html

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/07/its_a_goddamned_cracker.php

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/07/fight_back_against_bill_donohu.php

OK, now if those don't whet your whistle then nothing will.

Now onto business. I think PZ (2nd link) said it best when he called these people a bunch of fuckwits. This issue is not only what's wrong religion, it's what's wrong with this country and this world. If you assholes honestly think that a thumbnail sized store-bought cracker is more important than a human life then you really need to be kicked off this planet.
I'm getting so fucking sick of these exclusionary groups that are nothing more than cheap excuses for hate.

I'm actually mostly at a loss for words. I never thought I would ever have to tell someone that a cracker doesn't actually turn into flesh.

I was actually talking to a Catholic friend of mine today who was in shock as well. He thinks it's common sense that the whole communion thing is merely symbolic. And I'm sure when pressed behind closed doors, even the Pope would agree that it's all bullshit. He doesn't honestly believe that eating crackers he waved his hand over will turn into actual flesh. And besides... that's just fucking gross. I used to take communion all the time and I stopped because I kept getting the foreskin. Oh wait... Jesus was a Jew... I guess it was nutsack. Anyway, the problem is you never know which portion of the flesh is in your cracker. Did you get the elbow, the eyeball, the intestine, a ball of hair, the inside of the colon, a wad of semen, or... well you get the idea.

I'm making light of this very serious situation because it's just so ridiculous I feel the need to fight ridiculous fire with ridiculous fire.

And now I'm gonna put on my monster face.
Listen you ignorant asswipes... I don't care what stupid shit you wanna feed your kids, but don't force it on the rest of us. If you're so in love with your goddamn crackers then go buy a whole stack of them and build a statue of Jesus. If you're going to kill someone over a single cracker, or even over an entire truckload of crackers then you're seriously fucked in the head.
And just because you believe that a that a guy kidnapped a cracker because 2 thousand years ago a snake talked a woman into eating an apple, that doesn't mean that we have to respect it. And it doesn't mean we have to live by it, or tiptoe around it, or lose our jobs or our lives over it. Keep your fairies to yourself.

Because we tolerate your religion doesn't mean we have to tolerate everything you do. I tolerate my children playing loudly while I'm trying to work, but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate them blowing airhorns in my ear. You religious nuts have had it too good for too long. Gone are the days when you can say believe in god or I'll kill you. Now you have to ask nicely and convince us that you're not completely full of shit and it's a lot harder. Only you slip into your old tricks now and then by fucking with some innocent guy over a fucking cracker or by having a policeman fired for marching in a gay pride parade. These are your new crusades. You're still nothing but bullies and murders only you're not allowed to actually kill anybody anymore. But given half a chance, you'd do it in a heartbeat. Well, we're tired of it and we're not going to put up with it anymore. The right to practice religion and to worship dry, shitty crackers is protected in this country. And so is NOT eating dry, shitty crackers and speaking in tongues. We have every bit as much right to not believe in fairies as you have to believe in them, and YES, having someone fired for that belief or killing someone for it is just the same as them having you fired for your beliefs.

All you assholes are intolerant; you're bullies; you're exclusionary; you're bigots; and your actions are completely unacceptable.

We're done putting up with your childish antics. Come into the adult world and join the human race.

AOTD: Frenchman's Wire Walk Between Twin Towers

In 1974 a guy walked a wire between the twin towers. I'm guessing somewhere near the top. But what caught my attention for this blog was the end of the article:

"Meeting the Gods" is how he refers to it. "I'm nonreligious," he added. But the combination of the "Twin Towers, my balancing pole, the police, the onlookers, it was a sacred presence, an amazing piece of theater."

A number of snarky comments come to mind, regarding faith, or such an amazing act being proof that [specifically the Christian] God exists, or that being so far up there, you'd think God could smite that unbeliever more easily. But in all it's just kind of a cool little article with a good feel to the story.

Here it is.

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy - More good links

More links. I've just been introduced to The Skeptics Annotated Bible, which has already done all the work of pointing out the worst Bible passages (and categorizing them...this is a really, really well put-together site). And, The Brick Testament, in which Bible stories are done in Legos.

Edit: A VERY interesting article, linked from RichardDawkins.net, on "Why Muslim women who are oppressed by their families are often reluctant to break free".

Snappy Comebacks

Continuing my Week of Lazy Posts, here we link to Friendly Atheist's What Christian Arguments Could Use a Good, Short Answers?. This one from the comments, man, THIS one I'm gonna use all I can:

“Atheism is a religion too!”
Atheism is a religion the way “not collecting stamps” is a hobby.