Today's Dan Savage quote

Fathers are free—sadly—to teach their sons whatever ridiculous bullshit they care to. I'm teaching my son, for instance, that the theory of gravity is just a theory and that invisible wads of magic chewing gum hold everything down. Your brother, however, can't expect you to censor yourself around his misinformed, opinionated son to protect the kid from the realization that, hey, maybe—just maybe—there are other opinions out there, and maybe his dad is wrong about homosexuality.

Sweet. Here's the full column.

You'll Never Win

It's the circular logic of x-tians that I just don't get. I know I've written about this before but it hits me in the face a LOT because I come across it a LOT.

I'm talking about that whole argument that god only helps those who help themselves. And while that's true for people, it's at least quantifiable. If your kid is trying really hard to find resources for his school project and you happen to have something that he can use, you're likely to give it to him if he's being responsible and trying hard. But if he's just sitting on the couch doing nothing, then you're likely to let him exhaust his other resources first.

The same goes with pretty much any other thing too, right? You're more likely to throw money at someone who's doing all the right things in their life, but just can't seem to make things happen because they don't have enough resources than you are someone who refuses to go out and get a job to earn money.

It doesn't work that way with god. The fucking x-tians always say that god gave them the money to take their trip, or made them better when they were sick, etc. So you got out and took an extra job so you got extra money. Now you can pay for your trip. So where does god come in? Oh, that's right, he allowed you to get the job, that's right. Or did he allow the check not to bouce? Or did he give you the ability to do the job, and the willingness to go out and get it in the first place? That's the problem with that shit. You can't quantify anything he's actually done. I got the job. I worked the job. I kept the job. I got paid for the job. What the fuck did god do?

And since I'm all about off-beat examples, allow me to drive my point into the ground with a few.

#1
My daughter studied all week for her test and passed with an A. Therefore, that credit belongs to me because I allowed her to study. And since I gave her life, I actually gave her the ability to study. So the credit is all mine.

#2
My friend cheated on his wife last week, and he said it was the best sex he'd ever had. I wonder if he's thanking god for the ability to break one of his commandments with such skill.

#3
You ask your kid to go get you a soda from the fridge. When she returns, you thank your wife. Yeah, you kid did all the work, but your wife didn't tackle her on the way to the kitchen so she deserves the credit for allowing her to do it. Hey, I guess you deserve some credit too since you gave her life which also allowed her to do it.

#4
I'd like to thank god for allowing me to study and pass my trig test last week. And I'd also like to say fuck you god for allowing me to study for physics just as hard, but not allowing me to pass. So fuck you, I'll take the next one.


You know, I joke around a lot, but if god really does exist, what the fuck's with him always tripping us up? Frankly I find it rather offensive that he keeps defeating my efforts. And why is it that he never bothers lifting a finger for me until I break down and do it myself?

Hey, it's not he's actually helping those who help themselves. I need a job that makes $20/hr. I get a job that makes $20/hr. And I'm paid $20/hr. See, math so simple even I can do it. You want to help me? Fine, I went out and got the job, and I'm working the job faithfully. Now, have them pay me double what they said they would. So I still make $20/hr, yet somehow I'm getting double every week. And nobody knows where it's coming from, it's just showing up. THAT'S helping those who help themselves. But this bullshit where you just sit back and wait for me to do something and then just allow things to happen as usual... that's just bullshit.

It's like watching ants. They don't need to praise us because we're watching them carry food back to their hill. Just because we're not killing them doesn't mean we deserve any of the credit for their food. And god is actually actively trying to kill us all the time. And randomly too I might add.

OK, I'm really beating the point now, but it just kills me (that circular logic). They take it as such fact and it doesn't hold up at all. There's not one single shred of evidence that god actually DID anything. When my kid's trying to buy something with his own money and comes up a little short, I can give him a couple bucks to help him out. See, he's spending his own money and just came up a little short. I helped him because he helped himself. But if I don't give him the money and he goes out and makes more until he has enough, then where the fuck did I help?
Dammit, see, there I go again. OK, I'm gonna stop now because this shit just drives me crazy. Hey, maybe god's allowing me to go crazy. He's certainly given me the ability. And I'm definitely helping myself by allowing this to drive me crazy. So I guess they're right. God's making me crazy.

Who Gets the Credit for Prayer?

OK, I was kinda busy last week so I didn't get a change to post as much as I would have liked, but I'm hopefully back now.

I was talking to my daughter (9yrs) on the way to school this morning and she busts out with "Now, I know you think this is stupid, but I did what my mom said and prayed."
I said, "Honey, you don't have to justify anything to me. You can do whatever you want and make your own decisions. It's ok to pray or not to pray (notice I didn't split my infinitive?)".

Then I said... but just do me one favor while you pray. just keep tabs for yourself on how often it works. You don't ever have to tell me what you decide, but for yourself, just keep track of whether your prayers get answered.

She said she would.

And I said. OK, because here's the main problem I have with prayer... God always scoops in and takes the credit for normal events. OK, he's given the credit by xtians, but there's no reason he shouldn't take it. He does so little in the world that I'm sure he could use the P.R. Anyway... I told her my main problem with prayer is that God gets the credit for normal events. Then I gave what I believe to be one of the best examples EVER. Here it is...

I said, so you probably want your mother and me to stop fighting, right? She said yes. I said, ok, so do you think we'll probably fight all through your high school career because we both want you to live with us? She said yes. I said OK, so do you think that after you graduate we'll still fight? Because we won't have any cause to deal with each other anymore and you'll be an adult so there won't be any reason for us to fight will there. She agreed. So after you graduate we probably won't fight anymore if for no other reason, we won't be forced to deal with each other anymore, right? She said yes.

OK, so let's say you pray for us to stop fighting and God ignores your prayers for years for whatever lame reason those assholes always give like he's testing you, or he wants to see how much you really want it, or you're being punished for whatever... etc, etc, etc. But then, one day, you graduate and we stop fighting and God chooses right then to answer your prayer. Gee, that's pretty convenient timing don't you think? But that's how prayer ALWAYS goes. God completely ignores you until the situation naturally changes and then when the work is done, he gets the credit. That is unless it's all part of his plan to begin with. To allow you to get out of high school and pass all of your tests just so that he can answer your prayer in 10yrs instead of doing it while it could actually do you some good. Because when you're an adult it won't really matter anymore.

Anyway, I don't blame her. She's trying things out. She's being told that God is everything and that he answers prayer so she's giving it a try. We've all done it. That's how we all know it's bullshit. When I was a kid I prayed for things for years and they never even came close to true. Then years after I was an adult and denounced God, they finally happened. Maybe God cares for me even still. Or maybe, just maybe, he's just trying to take the credit for a natural event.

So after that uplifting talk with my daughter, I decided to call and start a fight with my mom. She's not equipped to discuss religion as she's never read anything other than the bible, and I'd be surprised if she's ever even read much of that. She's just listens to her preacher man and brings the potato salad.

So I devised another perfect situation that I'm rather proud of. After explaining the impossibility that prayer would help my daughter in the above situation, I gave her a scenario for her to think about on her own. But that's how you do it right? You lead them one step at a time until they're in a corner and they can't back out and start claiming God. Because I got her to agree that my daughter would graduate and that we probably wouldn't fight after that because there was no need to. She agrees that all of that is destined to happen. It's a logical progression that anyone can see. Then I said, ok, so if she prays all of these years for us to stop fighting, and it finally happens when she graduates, did God answer the prayer or was it a natural course of events? And of course her head spins and the fallicy of prayer smacks her in the face, but she can't admit it so she just says 'whatever'.

Anyway, that's not her situation, this is...

So my daughter, like many other divorced kids, wants me and her mother to get back together. And she probably prays for it too. So I asked my mother if God was going to answer that prayer. She said "NO". I said why not? She said, "Because you and your wife are perfect together. You're made for each other. And you hate your ex."

Ahhh... so there's the problem right? I asked her...How do you know God isn't just testing our love for each other and will eventually bring us back together?

She said, Because there's no love there. You have to have love there to begin with.

I said, but wouldn't God put love there if he wantes us to be together for our daughter's sake?

No, it wouldn't happen because you're perfect for your current wife. It couldn't happen.

I said, So you're telling me now that you know exactly what God's plan is and you know for a fact that he's not going to put us back together. (you have to understand how much my mom hates my ex)

She said, No, because God wouldn't split you up from your wife. You guys are perfect together and he wouldn't do that to those little boys.

I said, Oh, I see... so God will kill millions of his chosen people (through Hitler), but he refuses to break up a marriage and make a couple little sad for a few years? He'll let innocent children get hit by cars or molested and dismembered but he won't break up a marriage? What the fuck?

She said, but you guys are perfect for each other and God wouldn't do that. Those boys would be destroyed and he wouldn't hurt a child like that.

I said, But he did it to my daughter! He broke me and her mother up and she was innocent and she's still suffering. Why wouldn't he do it to my boys too?

Anyway, it just went on and on like that for a while and went nowhere further. It's pathetic the lack of reason xtians display when faced with real logic. And not really all that complicated logic either... And mind you, she's not really equipped to deal with such things, but no xtian is. She's in good company. Bad logic is always bad and no amount of spin doctoring can make it work. You may be able to confuse people for a while, but eventually things will come to light.
This is the same logic that allows judges to award a settlement to a burglar who hurts himself in your home while breaking in. There's no amount of logic that can allow that to be right, yet it happens. But any sane person reading the ruling would be enraged at his lack of logic.

And that's the problem with religion. They not only only take credit for natural events they fuck you up and convince you that they're really helping you. You can't punch someone in the stomach and call it a massage.

Anyway, that's all I've got today.